"Can We Talk?"

Joan Rivers' old catch phrase is nearly as dead as she is. (Apologies to Gens X, Y, and Z who are right now saying "WHO???")

One of my favorite jazz albums is The Art of Conversation by Dave Holland and Kenny Baron, an album of piano and bass duets. Playing improvisational jazz requires musicians be able to communicate, to listen and respond. True jazz as a genre is in decline, both in performance and audience.

Sadly, like the good jazz of the past, conversation is an art form on the threshold of extinction.

The culprit? Yep, cell phones are a leading factor in decreased conversation.

Photo by Yifei Wong on Unsplash

But, wait. The primary purpose of cell phones is communication, you say.

Yes, cell phones provide so many ways to communicate. They started as simple telephones that you could conveniently take with you. But access to the internet and the proliferation of apps has provided a multitude of communication options. You can text, tweet, skeet, facetime, dm, and email. Videos, songs, memes, links, and posts are shared. With all of that, who needs to actually talk on a call?

But wait, there’s more! We can play games, watch short videos or entire movies, check the weather, read the news, follow our favorite influencers through filter-enhanced pictures, and watch the wonderful lives that everybody else is leading on social media apps. Who needs real interaction with real people?

I’ve noted in a previous post the decline in families eating together, a time that traditionally members would talk about their days. When I do see families out eating together at restaurants, they are all focused on the phones in their hands. We have had grandchildren visit, cousins from families that live long distances away, and they sit on the sofa glued to their phones. If I point out they are not interacting with each other, they will respond that they are texting. “UR tripping LMAO” and a laughing emoji is not conversation.

Perhaps human communication is undergoing a paradigm shift and I’m just an old curmudgeon. I will end my Boomer Cell Phone Rant here because there is a more vital type of conversation that I am mourning the loss of.

Photo by Wayne Zheng on Unsplash

The United States has become exceedingly polarized politically, and people no longer are able to or wish to discuss politics. I do not know if it is merely a symptom or part of the cause. What I do know is the effect it is having. Families are being split, friendships ended because what communication exists is negative. (I believe that the internet and social media has played an outsized role, hence my previous tangent about cell phones.)

As a counselor, one of the frequent tools that I share with my clients is Non-Violent Communication, a process developed by Marshall Rosenberg. I often explain to my clients that people get defensive when they feel attacked and no longer listen to the message. Non-Violent Communication (NVC) looks to solve issues by identifying issues from our perspective, speaking respectfully for our needs, identifying how we feel, and making requests of the other person. It is taking away the blaming. It is seeking understanding. The underlying principals are empathy and respect.

While the NVC model is a structured form of problem solving, I believe that it’s guiding principals could help foster better communication between people who share different views. We may still disagree but may recognize that we agree in many more ways, possibly share the same concerns but have different ideas of how to solve them.

Conversation doesn’t have to lead to consensus about anything, especially not values; it’s enough that it helps people get used to one another. — Kwame Anthony Appiah

Full-disclosure: I am not a Trump supporter. I do not support many of his policies and I fear that his brand of manipulating strong emotions, stirring hatred and anger, is unhealthy for the country.

However, I try to approach his supporters with understanding. One family member posted on social media that she had voted for Trump, saying that not all his supporters are racists; many are just struggling people trying to get by paycheck to paycheck.

I am a counselor in a rural section of North Carolina. Many of my clients supported him and will even wear MAGA merchandise. When they try to steer the conversation to his policies, I redirect to values. What are the values that are important to you that are promoted by his policies? What are your needs? Are you feeling threatened, unsafe? How do you deal with those feelings? And I affirm their worth and their feelings. (I also have to help clients who are appalled by what is happening. I provide them with distress tolerance coping strategies and help them use the NVC model in communicating their reactions.)

Conversation is a personal form of communication. (The internet being impersonal, people communicate in ways they wouldn’t face to face.) For our country to change course, we must be willing to have open, non-judgmental dialogue. When we are talking with someone with different beliefs, do we approach it with curiosity? Do we seek understanding? Do we listen?

Conversations are an intimate exchange of ideas and information. They are not arguments or proselytizing. A conversation is an exchange between friends, and a process that deepens friendship. It is a method for deepening knowledge and familiarity.

President Obama famously had the “beer summit.” Not a speech or an action, but a conversation, an opportunity to listen and develop understanding.

The nation could use a few million such summits.